Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Hilarious Beauty Pageant Answers!

Host : Saan ang dream vacation mo?
Girl Contestant : Amangpulo.

Host : What was the very first gift that you gave to your girlfriend?
Male Contestant : Uhmm…taptoy.
Host : What taptoy?
Male Contestant : Taptoy na teddy bird.

Host : What’s your ideal age for marriage?
Girl : Uhm, uhm, I am not sure….
Host : Hindi, kunwari ikaw, more or less.
Girl : Uhmm… more. (Crowd booing… ) Sige, Sige. Less, less….

Host : If you had a foreigner friend, where will you bring him to showcase the beauty of the Philippines?
Girl Contestant : Bocaue.
Host : Bocaue. Why Bocaue? There are so many places in the Philippines? Why Bocaue?
Girl : Because it’s a magnificent place.
Host : Which part of Bocaue?
Girl : The Bocaue Rice Terraces. (Banawe Kaya Yon!!)

The contestant, presenting herself, talks into the mic and says, “Hi! I’m Cristine Reyes from Bagiuo…,” and then she turns around, walks a little, goes back then yells at the top of her lungs! Then shouts, “CITYYYYYYYY!!!!”

(From Little Miss Philippines)
Host : Anong gusto mo pag-laki mo?
Girl : Maging lalaki po!

Host : Who’s your favorite author?
Contestant : Danielle Steele
Host : Why Danielle Steele?
Contestant : Because, because…Danielle Steele, I like best.

Host : How would you like me to address you?
Contestant : My address is Project 8, Quezon City.

Host : What is your best feature?
Contestant : My graduation feature.

Host : So tell us, why did join this contest?
Contestant : Me, join this contest, why did I. Thank you!

Host : What do you want to be after you graduate?
Contestant : I want to be a successful Medicine.

Host : Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube. Pero tinatawag itong boobtube. Ano ito?
Contestant : BRA!

Host : What is you favorite motto?
Contestant : If others can’t why, why can’t I!

Host : What would you like to say to foreigners?
Contestant : Please come back.

(From gay beauty contest)
Host : What is the one thing that symbolizes happiness for you?
Gay contestant : (Stops, thinks and then smiles.) EGGPLANT PO!

Host : What is your typical day?
Contestant : I think Saturday po!

(From gay contest)
Host : Ano ang advantage mo sa ibang contestant?
Gay Contestant : I think and believe na bilang isang bading……ano nga po ulit yung question?

Host : Which part of your body is your best asset?
Contestant : (Believe it or not she answered) Si Melanie Marquez po!

Host : What is your favorite motto?
Contestant : (After a long pause) I don’t have a motto eh. (So the crowd starts helping her out. The crowd starts saying “Time is gold! Time is gold!”)
Contestant : I have na po. Chinese gold!

Host : If you were to describe the color blue to a blind person, how would you do it?”
Contestant : That’s a very good question. Keep it up. (Then the girl turns and walks away.)

Host : So, you’re vegetarian, what is your favorite vegetable?
Contestant : I like potatoes, tomatoes, beans and what’s that? KALABASH?

Host : What is your motto?
Contestant : Actor! (Everyone starts laughing.) Aay, actress pala.

Host : Who is your favorite fictional character?
Girl : JOSE RIZAL! (Crowd starts laughing.)
Host : Who is your favorite hero then?
Girl : Hulk Hogan.

Host : If you were to become a superhero, what would your power be?
Girl Contestant : Uhmm… a bumble bee!

Host : What is your edge over the other contestants?
Girl Contestant : My edge…. 23 years old.

Host : What, in your opinion, is the ideal age for marriage?
Girl : Between 24 and 25!

Host : How do you see yourself 10 years from now?
Girl : I’ll be 28.

Host : Describe your love one in three words.
Girl : Kahit nga po 1 word, kaya ko.
Host : OK, sige!
Girl : In one word, MY LIFE!

Host : If you were given any special power, what would it be?
Girl : Power of Attorney!

Host : So you like reading, who’s your favorite author?
Girl : Uhmm, Shakespeare.
Host : What works of Shakespeare?
Girl : Hindi ko po alam eh.
Host : But he’s your favorite.
Girl : Eh kasi patay na sya eh.

Host : What is the biggest problem facing the youth today?
Girl : Drugs.
Host : Why?
Girl : Mahal eh!

Host : What is the essence of being gay?
Contestant : I’m proud to be gay because what is naked is essential to the eye!

Host : What makes you blush?
Girl : Blush on!

Host : What is the essence of a man?
Gay Contestant : Testicles!

Host : Hey, I heard you almost didn’t make it, how did you get here? Did you ride or did you walk?
Gay Contestant : Of course, did you ride. What do you think of me, did you walk?


Read more: http://www.fedmich.com/the-best-answers-pageant-questions-and-answers/#ixzz0l39YAacW

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Yaya Diaries

1.       Yaya buys food at McDo.   
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”   
Yaya: “Puwede sa table?” 
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
2. Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”   
Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts.”   
Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”   
Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.” 
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star.   
Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, 
wala pong Inquirer   
kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------   
6. Yaya: “Huhuhu…”   
Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”   
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”   
Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”   
Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”   
Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”   
Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”   
Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”   
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------   
7. (Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!”   
(Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”   
Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------   
9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out :   
“Ang pangit naman, happy ending!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------   
10. Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!”   
Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------  
11. Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!”   
Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?”   
Mom: “It’s up to you.”   
(During dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?”   
Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko,   
sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------   
13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can   
at isang Sprite na Coke in can…” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------   
14. SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!”   
INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”   
SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”   
INDAY: “Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------    
15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located.   
She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------    
16. “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”   
Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!”   
Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”   
Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------    
17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle.   
Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?”   
Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’…” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------   
19.. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.   
Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,   
“Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!”
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son.   
So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun.   
Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered:   
“Parang Watson’s yata…” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
21. Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”   
Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”   
Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”   
Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
22. Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”   
Driver: “Ikaw lang?” Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
23. (Si 
Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)   
Kuya: “Yaya…”   
Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”   
Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”   
Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
24. Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”   
Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired:   
“Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo...   
At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
7. (after being scolded for breaking her promises):   
“Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
28. We had a yaya who claimed she was being courted by a kapre   
in her province and wanted to take her to his kingdom.   
Her reason for turning down the offer to be his queen?   
“Kapre yun ma’am, malaki ang kwan nun! Wag na uy!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
29. AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”   
MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”   
AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”   
MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------   
30. Amo: Yaya use COOLING PLACE in a sentence.     
Yaya: Sir! viry easy! iksample nagring yung phone,   
(ring, ring, ring,) Yaya answered, " HILO , WHO'S COOLING PLACE?"

Monday, July 13, 2009

So FUNNY!!!

Got this email from Joe Villanueva:



BF: May ibibigay ako sayo.. pero hulaan mo muna kung ano!
GF: Sige! Clue naman...
BF: Kelangan ito ng leeg mo..
GF: Necklace?
BF: Hindi.. PANG-HILOD!


BOB: Nakakamagkano ka sa isang araw?
PULUBI: Nag-uumpisa ako 8am. Ngayon 9am na. Nakaka-80pesos na ako.
BOB: Ah, ok naman pala.. ano na mabibili mo nyan?
PULUBI: Pwede na 'tong isang Espresso Macchiato sa Starbucks!


Sa loob ng mall..
GUY:  Love, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.
GIRL:  Ang pangit pangit naman!
GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko eversince..


NARS:  Doc, bakit mo tinanggihan yung pasyente?
DOC:  Alin, yung bakla?
NARS:  Opo, yung bading.  Baka sabihin namimili tayo.
DOC:  At bakit, ano naman ang iraraspa ko sa kanya?!?!


FROG:  What will my future hold?
FAIRY:  You'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you!
FROG:  Oh wow, will i meet her in a party?
FAIRY:  No, in Biology class.


Things you do not want to hear during your surgery:
"San na yung gunting na bago?  Kalawang na pala ito eh!"
"10ml? May nabuhay na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!"
"Doc, ubos na pala ang anesthesia"
"Kanina pa bukas ang tiyan nya, nasan na yung pang-tahi?"
"Sunog! Sunog! Labas na lahat!!"


TEACHER:  Banong, kung meron akong isang pirasong karne, tapos hinati ko, ilang piraso na ito?
BANONG:  2 po mam!
TEACHER:  Kung hinati ko pa silang dalawa?
BANONG:  4 na piraso po.
TEACHER:  At kung hinati ko pa?
BANONG:  8 po!
TEACHER:  Kung hinati ko ulit?
BANONG:  16 na po!
TEACHER:  Hatiin ko pa?
BANONG:  32 po!
TEACHER:  Kung hinati ko pa ulit?
BANONG:  64 na po!
TEACHER:  E kung hahatiin ko pa ulit? at isa pa?
BANONG:  Aba, susmaryosep, mam! Giniling po, giniling na yan!!!


Isang PULUBI sa bakery...
PULUBI:  Palimos po ng cake.
TINDERA:  Aba sosyal ka! Mamamalimos ka lang, gusto mo pa, cake! Eto, pandesal!
PULUBI:  Duh? Ate?! Birthday ko kaya ngayon!


ANAK:  'tay, mag-iingat kayo sa DANKTRANK!
TATAY:  Anong danktrank?
ANAK:  yun pong track na 10 ang gulong tapos may dalang buhangin!
TATAY:  'nak, hindi DANKTRANK yon, TEN MILLER!!!


Honeymoon
BRIDE:  Kinakabahan ako! Baka di ko makaya..parang natatakot ako!
GROOM:  Kaya mo ito!  Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?
BRIDE:  Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!


BOY:  Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo!  Lahat ng ginagawa ko, mali!  Lagi nalang ako mali!  Di nyo ko mahal!
TATAY:  Nagkakamali ka anak..
BOY:  Shet!  Mali nanaman ako!!


MRS.:  Hon, am I pretty or ugly?
MR.:  Uhh, both.
MRS.:  Pano mo nasabi yan? Pwede ba yun?
MR.:  What I mean is.. you're pretty ugly!


TEACHER:  Okay class, our lesson for today is Science.  What is Science?
PEDRO:  Ako, mam! Ako, mam!
TEACHER:  O sige Pedro, ano ang science?
PEDRO:  Mam, Science is our lesson for today!


DOCTOR:  Ubo ka nga..
PATIENT:  *ubo, ubo, ubo*
DOCTOR:  Sige, ubo ka pa..
PATIENT:  *ubo, ubo, ubo, ubo*
DOCTOR:  okay.
PATIENT:  Doc ano ho sakit ko?
DOCTOR:  Ah, may ubo ka.


In a Ms. Gay Barangay Pageant, 
HOST:  How can we uplift our economy today, even if we are under economic crisis?
BAKLA:  (namumutla)  Mga bakla!! Akala ko ba, Ms. Gay ito?  Quizbee pala!!


1. Trulalu
2. Eklavu
3. Eklavu
4. Eklavu
5. Trulalu
6. Trulalu
7. Trulalu
8. Eklavu
9. Trulalu
10. Eklavu
* Batang bading, sumasagot ng True or False sa quiz.


DIVORCED FATHER:  Anak, pag-uwi mo, bigay mo itong cheque sa nanay mo.  18years old ka na, at sabihin mo, ito na ang huling cheque na makukuha mo for child support.  Tingnan mo ano magiging expression ng mukha nya.
ANAK:  Mom, sabi ni dad, eto na daw huling cheque ko, dahil 18 na ako, wala nang makukuhang child support galing sa kanya.
MOM:  Sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya, pakisabi salamat sa suporta kahit hindi mo siya tatay!  Tingnan mo anong magiging expression ng mukha nya!!


BOY:  Dad, tulungan mo naman ako sa assignment ko.  Find the Least Common Denominator daw.
DAD:  Ano?  Aba'y elementary palang ako, hinahanap na nila yan.  Aba'y hanggang ngayon di pa din nakikita??!


Ano ang sabi ng centipede nung nagkita sila ng kaibigan nya?
"Ui pare!" Apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir!


Bakla na basketball coach:  "Keber sa laban! Just focus!  We cannot afford to luz valdez!  Getlakin nyo yung last freethrow! Windangin nyo mga julaban, okay?  Gow for the gold, mga highest level na churva! Gow lang ng gow!!"


BOY 1:  Nakakaawa naman lola mo!
BOY 2:  Bakit naman?
BOY 1:  Nakasabay ko kasi sa simbahan kanina, ubo ng ubo! Pinagtitinginan tuloy sya ng mga tao.
BOY 2:  Papansin lang yun!
BOY 1:  Bakit naman?
BOY 2:  Bago kasi blouse nya!


Boss, unsure about his new secretary.. "If i gave you 3million pesos less 17%, how much would you take off?"
Secretary:  "Everything, sir!  Dress!  Pati bra at panty, sir!!!"


TEACHER:  Alam nyo ba na ang mga bawat butil ng kanin ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka??
MGA BATA:  "Eeeeeew!!!!"


BOY:  Is this your first time?
GIRL:  (angry)  OO naman!  You guys talaga, so kulit!  Asking me the same question!  Paulit-ulit!!


Mag-syota sa motel..
BOY:  Alam mo ba ikaw ang first na dinala ko dito?
GIRL:  Whoo, bola! Sabi nila parati ka nandito e!
BOY:  Oo nga, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!!