Why men are happier people...

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED: 

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

-Your last name stays put. 

- The garage is all yours. 

- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

- Chocolate is just another snack. 

- You can never be pregnant.

- You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth. 

-The world is your urinal.

- You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

- Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character.

- People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

- New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.

- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.

- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars.

- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

- If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. 

- Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

- You almost never have strap problems in public.

- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

- Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck. 

- You can play with toys all your life.

- One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.

- You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

- You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.  

- You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes. 

- No wonder men are happier. 

Just for Laughs!

MISTER: wala akong tulog dahil naiisip ko P500K na utang ko kay pare.

MISIS: madali yan! Tawagan mo si pare, sabihin mong hindi ka makakabayad sa utang mo para siya naman ang hindi makatulog! 

 

JEEP PASSENGER: manong bayad.

JEEP DRIVER: saan galling? 
JEEP PASSENGER: sa akin. 
JEEP DRIVER: papunta saan? 
JEEP PASSENGER: sayo. 

 

Babae: Doc, kumusta na ang asawa ko?

Doc: Sorry ma'am. Mula ngayon, ikaw na ang magpapakain at 
magpapaligo sa kanya, kasi, putol na ang kanyang mga kamay at paa. 
Babae: Hah?! Hindi nga?!? 
Doc: Hehehe! Ninerbyos ka ano? Joke lang! Patay na sya! 

 

Amo: Inday, titira dito ang biyenan ko ng 3 buwan. Ito ang listahan

ng mga favorite nyang pagkain. 
Maid: Opo, sir. 
Amo: Kapag may niluto ka dyan, lagot ka sa akin! 

 

Mrs: Naniniwala ka ba na ang babae habang tumatanda ay gumaganda?

Mr: Oo naman. 
Mrs: Sa tingin mo, gumaganda ba ako? 
Mr: Sa tingin ko, hindi ka tumatanda. 

 

Son: Itay, pinagalitan ako ng titser ko!

Dad: Bakit? 
Son: Hinalikan ko po ang seatmate ko. 
Dad: Tong anak ko, manang mana. Hehehe. Eh, masarap ba? 
Son: Opo, pogi po sya eh. 
 
Lasing: Hoy! Sinong matapang?! Labas! 
Lalake: Ako! Bakit? Lalaban ka?! 
Lasing: Pare, ihatid mo naman ako sa bahay, natatakot ako kay misis eh. 

 

Tatay: Asensado na talaga ang anak natin sa US . Ito, nagpadala ng

picture, nakasandal sa kotse. Basahin mo nga ang nakasulat sa likod. 
Nanay: Inay, nagpapasalamat ako, kasi, kung hindi dahil sa kotse na ito, natumba na ako sa sobrang gutom. 

 

An alcoholic son wrote a letter...

Beer dad, Gin na ako iinom ulit, Whisky kelan. Tanduay mo yan, 
tiTequilan ko na talaga, pRhumis po! Your San, Miguel. 
 
Sintomas ng PINOY LOVE:
As if walang pakialam pero deep inside, worried na… miss na miss na...
Pag nag-text, "So what?" daw Pero later, magre-reply rin naman.
Pa-erase-erase pa ng # kunwari pero… hello… memoryado naman 'yung #.
Kapag hindi tine-text ng bf/gf niya, kunwari, na-wrong send para magpapansin.
Ayaw mag-text pero nagtatanong sa barkada ng bf/gf niya kung kumusta na.
Haaayy… LOVE nga naman sa Pilipinas, oh… pang-adik! 

 

Paano mo malalaman kung LOVE mo ang isang tao?
Kapag hindi nag-text nang isang araw, nami-miss mo o nagwo-worry ka.
Kapag may iba siyang katext, nagseselos ka.
Habang katext mo, biglang nagpaalam na matutulog na… maiinis ka.
Tuwing aalis siya, inaalam mo kung saan siya pupunta.
Curious ka sa family niya.
Kapag dumampi ang balat/kamay niya sa 'yo, iba ang feeling mo.
Pagtunog ng cellphone mo, pangalan niya ang ine-expect mong lumitaw.
Bago ka matulog, siya ang iniisip mo.
Paggising mo, siya pa rin ang una mong maiisip.
Iniisip mo siya habang binabasa mo ito right now…

 

Symptoms of a CERTIFIED SINGLE:

· Mahilig kumain.

· Panalo ang social life. Alam lahat ng gimikan at mall sale.

· Hayok sa tulog.

· Gadget-addict.

· Sa cellphone, group message nang group message ng quotes.

· Ngumingiti kahit nag-iisa.

· Tumataba.

· Porma to the max.

· Mukhang happy kahit hindi naman talaga.

Symptoms of a CERTIFIED TAKEN:

· Walang pera.

· Mukhang ngarag at laspag.

· Kuripot.

· Blooming, kasi, kailangan para hindi iwan.

· Walang social life kundi dyowa niya.

· Boring kausap.

Mga PAMATAY na HIRIT
"Kumain ka ba ng asukal? Ang tamis kasi ng ngiti mo!"
"May lahi ka bang keyboard? Type kasi kita!"
"Ipapupulis kita! Ninakaw mo kasi ang puso ko!"
"Are you a dictionary? Kasi, you add meaning to my life."
"Meron ka bang lisensya? Kasi, you drive me crazy."
"I lost my number. Can I have yours?"
"Angel ba ang name mo? Kasi, you look like one."
"I forgot your name. Can I call you mine?"
PAMATAY na REPLY
"Excuse me, kumain ka ba ng mais? Ang corny mo kasi!"

 
GREAT FACTS
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. 

Having one child makes you a parent; having two makes you a referee

Marriage is a relationship wherein one person is always right and the other person is the husband.

They said we should all pay our taxes with a smile. I tried but they wanted cash.
The human brain functions 24 hours/day, 365 days/year until you fall for someone…

T: Ano ang pinakamasakit na maramdaman kung matanda na tayo?
S: 'Yung paggising mo, tapos, pagtingin mo sa tagiliran, matanda rin ang iyong katabi.

 

BERTO: Ano ang mas mahalaga, pera o asawa?
ROMY: Syempre, pera! Kasi, ang pera, habang tumatagal, lumalaki ang interes. Ang asawa, habang tumatagal, nawawalan ka ng interes, tapos, inuubos pa ang pera mo

 
Makabagong kasabihan: Kagandahan edition 
1 ) Para sa magaganda: "aanhin mo ang ganda, kung wala ka namang papa." 
2 ) Para sa gustong magpaganda/retokada: "kung gusto mong lumandi, tiisin 
mo ang hapdi" 
3 ) Para sa mga feeling magaganda: "talbog ang matigas na tinapay sa tigas 
ng mukha ng nagmamagandang inday" 
4 ) Para sa mga walang ganda: "mabait man daw at magaling, ang chaka- 
chaka pa rin" 
 
Guwapo nagtext: Luv, p load nman P100. 
Bakla: Ok! (Nagmamadaling naghanap ng loading station). 
Bakla: Nareceive mo na luv? 
Guwapo: Hu u? 

 

In the middle of a baptismal rite, a bishop officiating said:

"Ang lambot naman ng ulo ng bata…" 
The pretty mother replied: "Father…dede ko po yan!" 

 

Ama: Bading ka ba?

Anak: Opo, dadi 
Ama: (Dinuldol sa harina c jr). Ano?! Bading ka pa ba?! 
Anak: Hindi na po. 
Ama: Eh anon a? 
Anak: Geisha na po! (Ang taray!) 
Always remember…No matter how bad you are…You are not totally useless.. You can always be….used as a BAD EXAMPLE! Inspiring! Hehe 

Hmm.

No one falls in love by choice, 
it is by CHANCE. 
No one stays in love by chance, 
it is by WORK. 
And no one falls out of love by chance, 
it is by CHOICE.

Bagsak si Inday sa English, lagpak din sa Pilipino!

Got this from SubMaring!!!

Subject: FW: DIARY NI INDAY - REPEAT PERFORMANCE  It was jazz an ordinary day.  The skies were clear, the birds were chipping. Ang ganda-ganda ng araw! Nasa SM ako noon at katatapos ko lang mamili ng groceries. Timing naman nasa foodcore si Angel Locsin, nagpro-provoke ng movie nya. Grabe, andaming fans, pull-packed talaga! Dahil fans nya rin ako, nakipila na rin ako. Then suddenly, out of the loo, may bumulong sa akin ng "Indaaayyyyy....."         Huh? It sounded like a familiar sound. Who can it be now?         "Dodong!" sigaw ko.         Napalakas yata voice ko. Kasi the other fans turned their backs to their behind at napatingin sa amin. Sabi ko "Sorry, I didn't mean to be loud and proud." Hinawakan na lang ni Dodong ang kamay ko at lumayo kami from the crowd.         "Kamusta na Inday? Do you come here open?", tanong nya.         "Bihira lang, Dodong. I'm just droppings by. Ethnic ang schedule ko eh", sabi ko.         Memories came flushing in my mind. How can I forget to remember Dodong? Siya na may mata niPiolo, dimple ni Aga, at bigote ni Rex Cortez. He's every woman's dreamboat. I was just starting my tour of duty kay ate noon nang unang makilala ko si Dodong. Contraction worker siya sa  ginagawang bahay sa tapat namin. Naging kami for a while then after that were not an item anymore.        "Tanghali na Inday. What did you say we have lunch together?" tanong ni Dodong.         "I don't mine" sagot ko.         Sa restaurant, nilapitan kaagad kami ng waiter. "What's your odor sir?",  sabi nung waiter kay Dodong.        "Do you have porkshop?" tanong ni Dodong.         "Yes sir" sabi nito.  "Our porkshop with a resistance to the teeth of boast of our chef. Domestic careful selection of pork with little fat of female liking is used. The exquisite cooking which  repeated trial and error and was completed. It also has healthy vegetables with salad  feeling fully", dagdag pa niya.         "And you mam?" sabay tingin naman sa akin.         Hmmm..mukhang masarap yung porkshop. Pero I'm cutting down on my carbon kaya pinigilan ko.         "I'll just have water, thanks. Liquidate diet ako eh."sagot ko.         Pagkatapos kumain, nagyaya si Dodong manood ng sine. Teka, teka, this is going too far. Besides, it's a long, long, way to run.         "Reality chess, Dodong. May asawa na ako, si Jay. As a mother of fact, I'm happily married" pagmamalaki ko. "Di na pwede yung tulad ng dati. Sorry pero I didn't expect you still  have more  feelings than I expected. I don't want you getting the way. Past is fast. Therefore, cause and defect." dagdag ko pa.         Tumahimik sya. Parang may language barrel na namagitan sa amin... The seconds that passed seemed like fraternity. Di nagla-on, nagsalita na rin sya.         "I don't care less!" sigaw ni Dodong.         Shocks, give me a brake! The nerd ng taong ito para sigawan ako! To think it's his other woman that caused our separation to part. Kinabahan na ako. I felt speedbumps all over my body  and was having panic attach. Tinalikuran ko siya at nagmadali akong lumakad palayo, pero sumunod pa rin siya like a monkey on my butt. Hanggang sa makakita ako ng security guard. Biglang nawala si Dodong.         "Excuse me kuya, pwedeng magtanong?" sabi ko sa mamang guard.         "Of course miss, I can help you with my pleasure."  sagot niya.         "Saan po ba ang exit? Could you point me to the right erection? I got lost in my eyes."         "Diretso lang."sabi niya. "Then turn right anytime with care."         "Thanks for your corporation" sabi ko.         Buti na lang nandun si kuya. Pero saglit lang, I smell something peachy. As I turned, nakita ko na namang nakasunod si Dodong! Delaying static lang pala kanina ang pag-disappear nya.  "Nyahahaha! You can run but you can hide, Inday. No matter where you go, there you are!" pananakot nya.  Oh no, is this the end? This is too much, I feel degradable. My world started falling afar. Then suddenly, Jay come from behind! Dodong was caught to the act! In the matter of minute, it's all over. I'm out of arm's way.         "Thanks Jay, my love.. But how did you.?" bago pa man ako matapos,  sabi niya: "I was in the neighborhood. Fans din ako ni Angel eh. I heard you shout but at first I didn't give it a thought.  Pero nang makita ko kayong magkahawak ng holding hands, then I give it a thought. I know  something is a missed."         From then on, Dodong did not brother me again. In fact, he didn't even sister me. As in plutonic atwala na talaga. Pero kami ni Jay, heto, shoot sailing pa rin ang relationship. Lalo pa ngayon, open na kami sa isa't-isa at walang exhibitions. I feel I'm on cloud line.

The Wooden Bowl

Got this email from Mr. Joe Villanueva,. read on and feel __________.

The Wooden Bowl

I guarantee you will remember the tale of the  Wooden Bowl

tomorrow, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now.

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year - old grandson.

The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

 

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and

failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor.

When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth. 

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess.

 "We must do something about father," said the son.

"I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor.." 

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner.

There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner.

Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl. 

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometimes he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone.

Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped  a fork or spilled food. 

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor.

He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?" Just as sweetly, the boy responded,

"Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up. 

 " The four-year-old smiled and  went back to work.

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless.

Then tears started to stream down their cheeks.

Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done. 

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and  gently  led him back to the family table.

For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason,

neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled. 

On a positive note, I've learned that, no matter what happens,

how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. 

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things:

a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. 

I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents,

you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. 

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life..."

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands.

You need to be able to throw something back

 

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you

But,  if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, 

your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you 

I've learned that whenever I decide  something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.

I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone. 

People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.