Love, love, love

"If people love you, be thankful that you are one of the few whom certain people chose to show their emotions to.

Love does not demand to be reciprocated, but it does not mean it exists to be taken for granted. It should be at least, appreciated.

If you cannot return the love given to you, do not let it linger to grow alone.
If you do not want it, refuse kindly.

Love may not demand, but it also deserves a heart that will better understand."

Top 20 Things Oprah Knows For Sure!

1. What you put out comes back all the time, no matter what. (This is my creed.)

2. You define your own life. Don't let other people write your script.

3. Whatever someone did to you in the past has no power over the present. Only you give it power.

4. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. (A lesson from Maya Angelou.)

5. Worrying is wasted time. Use the same energy for doing something about whatever worries you.

6. What you believe has more power than what you dream or wish or hope for. You become what you believe.

7. If the only prayer you ever say is thank you, that will be enough. (From the German theologian and humanist Meister Eckhart.)

8. The happiness you feel is in direct proportion to the love you give.

9. Failure is a signpost to turn you in another direction.

10. If you make a choice that goes against what everyone else thinks, the world will not fall apart.

11. Trust your instincts. Intuition doesn't lie.

12. Love yourself and then learn to extend that love to others in every encounter.

13. Let passion drive your profession.

14. Find a way to get paid for doing what you love. Then every paycheck will be a bonus.

15. Love doesn't hurt. It feels really good.

16. Every day brings a chance to start over.

17. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Women everywhere must declare it so.

18. Doubt means don't. Don't move. Don't answer. Don't rush forward.

19. When you don't know what to do, get still. The answer will come.

20. "Trouble don't last always." (A line from a Negro spiritual, which calls to mind another favorite: This, too, shall pass.)

Time

Time is like a river.

You can't touch the same water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again.

Moving on

"We are afraid of letting go and leaving things behind.

We choose to hold on to things even if they are way past their expiration.

Familiarity brings comfort,.that's why oftentimes, we find ourselves stuck in the same position, even if the world around us has chosen to move on."

When you come to the end of all the light

and it's time to step into the darkness of the unknown,

Faith is knowing that, and of two things shall happen:

either you will be given something solid to stand on, or you will be taught to fly.

Mike Murdoch's Law of Recognition

"Everything you need is already in your life, merely awaiting your recognition of it.

Anything unrecognized remains uncelebrated by you.

Anything you refuse to celebrate, eventually exits your life.

So look around, and appreciate"

On Love and Men

1. A man won't let go if he really loves you.

Do not hold on to someone who has let go of you. He does not love you and does not value having you. Believe me, he will not let go if he really loves you. There is another reason he is not willing to tell.


2. Do not look for reasons why he ended the relationship.

There is only one reason why he ended your relationship. He just does not love you. Do not waste your time thinking of reasons or what you should have done. Move on and be open to a man who will truly love you.


3. Do not get hang up on your past.

Do not nag or distrust your current boyfriend just because your ex hurt you. Do not treat him or the relationship the same way. Do not compare. He will not react the same way as your ex. Do not be worried that your simple mistakes will cause him to look for another girl. What happened with your ex was not your fault. It was not because you didn't guard him enough or you didn't make him happy
enough.


4. Do not look into images.

How many times have you met a girl who didn't have the best image in school or at the office, but you get to know the girl and found out she was actually extremely nice? Do not rely on images. Oftentimes, it is far from reality. Do not fear men just because your "supposedly" perfect ex-boyfriend mistreated you.


5. Always have your own set of rules.

Set your limits on how far you'd go for a guy. It's perfectly ok to give and do everything as long as it's worth it. And it's worth it if the guy is treating you right.


6. Do not be scared to lose him.

Don't be scared that he'll break up with you. Once you are afraid of losing him, you easily can be taken advantage. Be strong and if something is unacceptable, do not accept it and speak up.


7. Avoid calling your guy.

It's a guy thing. The relationship will definitely be better if it's the guy who's calling, not the girl. He will get tired of you if you keep on calling. He will lose interest and challenge. More so, he will get annoyed. But it's a girl thing also that your fingers get too itchy until you dial his number. But avoid as much as possible. Call only if really needed (like checking if your suspicions are reasonable).


8. There is a guy who will value you.

There is a guy out there who can make you feel valued, appreciated, and loved. And I mean, not just during your first few weeks together. So don't lose hope. Don't settle for a lesbian if you are not attracted to women. There is a man out there who can love you like a girl can (*wink*).

Also, do not believe him when he says it's just the way he really is. He's not the sweet or expressive-type. Remember during your first few weeks together? Where has that sweet guy gone? He simply is not that into you anymore.


9. Always be the only one, no matter what.

Do not ever fall for a guy who has another girl, be it his wife, girlfriend, or any girl that he says he just can't get rid of for whatever reason. If you truly believe that he loves you and for some reason, he can't leave or let go of another girl, then you are no different from any ordinary mistress.


10. He must respect you.

No matter how long the relationship has been, he should always show respect towards you.


11. If he fooled you, end it.

Philandering once is enough. You can never trust nor respect the person again.


12. Never start a relationship the wrong way.

Do not steal another girl's man, for whatever reason. Nor should you enter a relationship for the wrong reasons (loneliness, on the rebound, getting back at your ex, man-dependency, etc.) it is bound not to last. You will only end up wasting more years of your life.


13. Do not force yourself into a relationship.

Do not get into a relationship just because your friends are getting impatient with your dating escapades and the one hasn't come yet. Do not choose who to say yes to based on superficial things like money, looks, cars, etc.. If you are even thinking of these things, you have not fallen in love yet.


14. Do not settle.

If you are not happy anymore with your relationship, break up instantly. He will not stay with you forever no matter how upright he might seem to be. Eventually, he will also want love and happiness in his life.


15. A relationship has to have love.

Love is the only thing that will push you to give your efforts into making the relationship work. And believe me, keeping a relationship requires genuine efforts of both parties.


16. Don't be afraid to be single.

It's fun to be single, try it. You can go out whenever and wherever you want. You are free. You can date whomever you want and you get to go out for free! Do not get a boyfriend just for the sake of having one. Do not settle.


17. Be a good girl.

Be a good girl to attract a good guy. Enter the relationship with sincere intentions. Take the guy and the relationship seriously with the plan of spending the rest of your life with that person (of course, this is after you had your bit of fun in your younger years). If you compare your flings from your real relationships, you will know that the latter makes you happier and more fulfilled.


18. Love without limits.

Whether you loved and gave everything or loved but held out for some things, if the relationship ends, you still get hurt. But if you gave your everything, you were happy and you could say that it was worth it. If you didn't give your all, you get hurt for nothing.


19. You will get over him.

Love is over-stated. Love eventually ends and you are free to love another.


20. Be the one.

Act like you are the one. Don't be a nagger. Don't hinder his gimmicks. Don't give in to him too easily. Make him treat you as important. Don't be easy. Don't be like every other girl he had in his life.

If you love someone, ask them for nothing.

If you love someone, ask them for nothing. Don't hold them back from their destiny. Don't keep them from going off in search of their own answers. Don't ask them for commitment. You will know commitment is real when it is something given willingly, and not as something obligatory. Don't ask them for promises. If you are patient, if you have faith, you will know in your heart when the right time for promises has come.

And when that time arrives, then you will see that you have both lost nothing by setting each other free, and have instead gained a richer, fuller life, a wealth of experiences, and a stronger certainty of your desires.

But should they not return to you, then life hasn't cheated you because no promises were broken. Your bitterness will not last long, and you will feel thankful and blessed that at the very least, this beautiful soul has colored your life, that knowing them has already made life infinitely more meaningful.

By setting a person free, you run a risk of them not returning. But always remember that you found them beautiful precisely because they were free. People are like sunlight. You can feel their warmth, and their glow, but you can't hold them in your hand and keep them with you forever. People CHOOSE to stay. But a choice is made more meaningful when it is made despite so many other options. Love has no restrictions and it is through mistakes that sometimes we see the right answer. Because if you love someone, you ask them for nothing and they will come back to you.

The Top Kontrabida Quotes

Reposted. This came from RX 93.1's The Morning Rush with Chico and Delamar.




1. L.A. Blue – “What’s that? Do you hear that? Oh, it’s the sound of me not caring…”

2. Mara – “You think you’re good enough? Think again.”

3. No name – “Ipinanganak ako para guluhin ang buhay mo!”

4. Tani – “What a coincidence…UGLY starts with ‘U’.”

5. E-M – “Ang ganda ng babaeng ipinalit mo sa akin…mula ulo, mukhang paa!”

6. Totski – “Mabilis ba mabuntis ang mga bobo? Bakit ang dami niyo?”

7. Raymond – “Malakas ka pala kumain…halatang galing sa hirap.”

8. SC – When you see an ugly baby: “Magtanim na tayo ng maraming damo, kasi dumadami din ang mga mukhang kabayo.”

9. Merrique – When officemate called me fat, I said: “Kaming mga matataba, puwedeng pumayat. Eh kayong mga pangit?”

10. Dopey – “Siguro taga-Marakina ka, kasi mukha kang takong!”

11. D’brain – From a former teacher: “I won’t pass you. I want to see you suffer.”

12. No name – “Karma’s a bitch, and so are you.”

13. No name – From Iisa Pa Lamang. Claudine to Angelica: “Gusto mo maglaro tayo? Agawan ng mana.”

14. Dyosaimma – “Are you having a freak show that I’m not aware of?”

15. Sutil – One friend hardly drinks but eats tons of pulutan. She’s fat, and not very pretty. During one inuman, we saw the plate of chicharon empty after just a few minutes. Another friend addressed her: “Huy, bawal yan, cannibalism!”

16. Ysa – Overheard, a girl talking to another girl: “Shucks, it’s so hard to be pretty noh? Ay sori, you wouldn’t know nga pala.”

17. Bombai – “Pag tinititigan kita, naniniwala na ako na ang tao galing sa unggoy.”

18. Frederique – “Wag ka mag-alala, malapit nang mawala sa uso ang skinny jeans.”

19. No name – “Everyone’s entitled to be stupid, but you’re abusing the privilege!”

20. HB – “Mabuti ka pa, mayaman ako. Samantalang ako, mahirap ka. Anong palagay mo sa akin, tanga ka?”

21. No name – From Iisa Pa Lamang. Claudine: “Gusto ko pag pasok ko, ipagtitimpla mo agad ako ng kape. Yung dark, very dark. Kasing pait ng buhay na ipatitikim ko sa ‘yo!”

22. Bennett – “Whatever look you were aiming for? You missed.

23. Devil_laugh – “Kailangan na natin ng bagong biktima. Hindi na humihingi ng awa ang isang ito.

24. Dark Choco Boi – From Iisa Pa Lamang. Cherry Pie Picache after she lost her fortune: “Ganito pala ang feeling ng hampaslupa! Kaloka!”

25. Erwination – “Giniginaw ako. Magsunog ng alipin!”

The Secret to a Happy Relationship

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years.
They had shared everything. They had talked about everything.
They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little
old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had
cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but
one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said
she would not recover.

In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took
down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside
She agreed that it was time that he should know what was
in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls
and a stack of money totaling $95,000.

He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,'
she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage
was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you,
I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'

The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two
precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two
times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with
happiness.

'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money?
Where did it come from?'

'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death, because I don't have time to crochet.

The Yaya Diaries

1.       Yaya buys food at McDo.   
Crew: “Dito niyo na po ba kakainin?”   
Yaya: “Puwede sa table?” 
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
2. Kid: “Yaya look, boats!”   
Yaya: “Dows are not boats, dey’re yachts.”   
Kid: “Yaya, spell yachts?”   
Yaya: “Yor rayt, dey are boats.” 
------------ --------- --------- ---------   
5. My mom asked our yaya to buy Inquirer and Star.   
Our yaya came back and said: “Ma’am, wala pong Inquirer   
kaya bumili nalang po ako ng dalawang Star!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------   
6. Yaya: “Huhuhu…”   
Ate: “O, bakit ka umiiyak?”   
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!”   
Ate: “Eh bakit ka ba tinitighiyawat?”   
Yaya: “Kasi po di ako makatulog sa gabi.”   
Ate: “O, bakit ka di makatulog?”   
Yaya: “Kasi po may pinoproblema ako…”   
Ate: “Ano naman ang pinoproblema mo?”   
Yaya: “Kasi ate ang dami kong pimples!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------   
7. (Earlier) Mom: “Yaya, lagay mo yung pesto sa ref!”   
(Later) Son: “Yaya, nakita mo PS2 ko?”   
Yaya: “Nasa ref, pinalagay ng mama mo!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------   
9. After watching a movie, our yaya blurted out :   
“Ang pangit naman, happy ending!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------   
10. Sir: “Yaya, gawa mo ko ng kape. Yung decaf ha!”   
Yaya: “Siyempre naman, alangan namang de-baso!”
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------  
11. Mom: “Yaya, magluto ka na pag-alis ko ha!”   
Yaya: “Ano po lulutuin ko?”   
Mom: “It’s up to you.”   
(During dinner) Mom: “Yaya, bakit ketsup at tuyo ang ulam?”   
Yaya: “Diba nung tinanong ko kayo kung anong lulutuin ko,   
sabi niyo, ‘kitsup tuyo’!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------   
13. Our yaya sa sari-sari store: “Miss isang Coke in can   
at isang Sprite na Coke in can…” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- -------   
14. SIR: “Inday, si sir mo to, nabangga kotse ko & I need cash!”   
INDAY: “Aru, dugo-dugo gang ka no?”   
SIR: “Gaga! Si sir mo talaga to!”   
INDAY: “Gago ka rin! Si sir ang tawag sa kin…kapkeyk…” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------    
15. I once asked my yaya where the Netherlands is located.   
She answered: “Diba dun nakatira si Peter Pan?” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------    
16. “O yaya, bakit ka umiiyak?”   
Yaya: “Ati, sabi kasi ng duktor, tatanggalan ako ng butlig!”   
Ate: “Eh yun lang pala eh! Bakit ka umiiyak?”   
Yaya: “Buti kung one lig lang, eh kung butlig, wala na kong ligs!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------    
17. We saw our yaya staring intently at the orange juice bottle.   
Sabi namin: “Yaya, anong ginagawa mo?”   
Yaya: “Shhh! Nakalagay sa bote, ‘concentrate’…” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------   
19.. My mom was going to buy our yaya a transistor radio.   
Before my mom left the house, our yaya said,   
“Ma’am, ang kunin niyo yung Ilokano ang salita ha!”
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
20. We paid for the tuition fee of our yaya’s son.   
So one day I was reviewing him: “The Earth is the 3rd planet from the sun.   
Ano ang katabi ng Mercury?” His mom, our yaya, answered:   
“Parang Watson’s yata…” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
21. Sir: “Yaya, natanggal mo yung mantsa sa barong ko?”   
Yaya: “Opo! Tanggal na tanggal!”   
Sir: “Good! Anong pinang-tanggal mo?”   
Yaya: “Gunting, kuya! Gunting!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
22. Yaya to tricycle driver: “Magkano sa City Hall?”   
Driver: “Ikaw lang?” Yaya: “Ay bakit, hindi ka sasama?” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
23. (Si Kuya pumasok sa kuwarto ni Yaya)   
Kuya: “Yaya…”   
Yaya: “Koya, wag po! Wag Pooooo!”   
Kuya: “Gaga! Uutusan lang kita!”   
Yaya: “Si Koya naman…nagsa-suggest lang…” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
24. Kid: “Yaya, spell orange?”   
Yaya: “Depende. Yung kulay o yung prutas?” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
25. Midget Yaya who was newly hired:   
“Suwerte po kayo, ako ang napili niyo...   
At least kung maibagsak ko si baby, mababa lang!”
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
2 7. (after being scolded for breaking her promises):   
“Ma’am, hindi na po ako mangangako ulit…promise!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
28. We had a yaya who claimed she was being courted by a kapre   
in her province and wanted to take her to his kingdom.   
Her reason for turning down the offer to be his queen?   
“Kapre yun ma’am, malaki ang kwan nun! Wag na uy!” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- 
29. AMO: “Bakit namatay ang aso?”   
MAID: “Pinaliguan ko po ng laundry soap.”   
AMO: “Nakamamatay ba yun?”   
MAID: “Ewan ko nga po eh, pag-off ko ng washing machine patay na.” 
------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------   
30. Amo: Yaya use COOLING PLACE in a sentence.     
Yaya: Sir! viry easy! iksample nagring yung phone,   
(ring, ring, ring,) Yaya answered, " HILO , WHO'S COOLING PLACE?"

LOVE

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

- Neil Gaiman

from Bob Marley *from Kich*

Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. 

You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. 

When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. 

They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. 

Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. 

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. 

The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. 

Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. 

In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. 

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. 

You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. 

You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. 

You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. 

You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. 

Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. 

Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life

Which way?

Which way are you going to take?

the one where there's nothing right

..or the right one, where nothing's left?

So FUNNY!!!

Got this email from Joe Villanueva:

BF: May ibibigay ako sayo.. pero hulaan mo muna kung ano!

GF: Sige! Clue naman...

BF: Kelangan ito ng leeg mo..

GF: Necklace?

BF: Hindi.. PANG-HILOD!

BOB: Nakakamagkano ka sa isang araw?
PULUBI: Nag-uumpisa ako 8am. Ngayon 9am na. Nakaka-80pesos na ako.

BOB: Ah, ok naman pala.. ano na mabibili mo nyan?

PULUBI: Pwede na 'tong isang Espresso Macchiato sa Starbucks!

Sa loob ng mall..

GUY:  Love, yan ang dati kong girlfriend.

GIRL:  Ang pangit pangit naman!

GUY: Wala akong magagawa, yan talaga ang weakness ko eversince..

NARS:  Doc, bakit mo tinanggihan yung pasyente?

DOC:  Alin, yung bakla?

NARS:  Opo, yung bading.  Baka sabihin namimili tayo.

DOC:  At bakit, ano naman ang iraraspa ko sa kanya?!?!

FROG:  What will my future hold?

FAIRY:  You'll meet someone who wants to know everything about you!

FROG:  Oh wow, will i meet her in a party?

FAIRY:  No, in Biology class.

Things you do not want to hear during your surgery:

"San na yung gunting na bago?  Kalawang na pala ito eh!"

"10ml? May nabuhay na ba dyan? Sabi ko 5ml lang!"

"Doc, ubos na pala ang anesthesia"

"Kanina pa bukas ang tiyan nya, nasan na yung pang-tahi?"

"Sunog! Sunog! Labas na lahat!!"

TEACHER:  Banong, kung meron akong isang pirasong karne, tapos hinati ko, ilang piraso na ito?

BANONG:  2 po mam!

TEACHER:  Kung hinati ko pa silang dalawa?

BANONG:  4 na piraso po.

TEACHER:  At kung hinati ko pa?

BANONG:  8 po!

TEACHER:  Kung hinati ko ulit?

BANONG:  16 na po!

TEACHER:  Hatiin ko pa?

BANONG:  32 po!

TEACHER:  Kung hinati ko pa ulit?

BANONG:  64 na po!

TEACHER:  E kung hahatiin ko pa ulit? at isa pa?

BANONG:  Aba, susmaryosep, mam! Giniling po, giniling na yan!!!

Isang PULUBI sa bakery...

PULUBI:  Palimos po ng cake.

TINDERA:  Aba sosyal ka! Mamamalimos ka lang, gusto mo pa, cake! Eto, pandesal!

PULUBI:  Duh? Ate?! Birthday ko kaya ngayon!

ANAK:  'tay, mag-iingat kayo sa DANKTRANK!

TATAY:  Anong danktrank?

ANAK:  yun pong track na 10 ang gulong tapos may dalang buhangin!

TATAY:  'nak, hindi DANKTRANK yon, TEN MILLER!!!

Honeymoon

BRIDE:  Kinakabahan ako! Baka di ko makaya..parang natatakot ako!

GROOM:  Kaya mo ito!  Diba dati may alaga kang ahas?

BRIDE:  Oo nga, pero takot talaga ako sa UOD!

BOY:  Wala akong kwentang anak para sa inyo!  Lahat ng ginagawa ko, mali!  Lagi nalang ako mali!  Di nyo ko mahal!

TATAY:  Nagkakamali ka anak..

BOY:  Shet!  Mali nanaman ako!!

MRS.:  Hon, am I pretty or ugly?

MR.:  Uhh, both.

MRS.:  Pano mo nasabi yan? Pwede ba yun?

MR.:  What I mean is.. you're pretty ugly!

TEACHER:  Okay class, our lesson for today is Science.  What is Science?

PEDRO:  Ako, mam! Ako, mam!

TEACHER:  O sige Pedro, ano ang science?

PEDRO:  Mam, Science is our lesson for today!

DOCTOR:  Ubo ka nga..

PATIENT:  *ubo, ubo, ubo*

DOCTOR:  Sige, ubo ka pa..

PATIENT:  *ubo, ubo, ubo, ubo*

DOCTOR:  okay.

PATIENT:  Doc ano ho sakit ko?

DOCTOR:  Ah, may ubo ka.

In a Ms. Gay Barangay Pageant, 

HOST:  How can we uplift our economy today, even if we are under economic crisis?

BAKLA:  (namumutla)  Mga bakla!! Akala ko ba, Ms. Gay ito?  Quizbee pala!!

1. Trulalu

2. Eklavu

3. Eklavu

4. Eklavu

5. Trulalu

6. Trulalu

7. Trulalu

8. Eklavu

9. Trulalu

10. Eklavu

* Batang bading, sumasagot ng True or False sa quiz.

DIVORCED FATHER:  Anak, pag-uwi mo, bigay mo itong cheque sa nanay mo.  18years old ka na, at sabihin mo, ito na ang huling cheque na makukuha mo for child support.  Tingnan mo ano magiging expression ng mukha nya.

ANAK:  Mom, sabi ni dad, eto na daw huling cheque ko, dahil 18 na ako, wala nang makukuhang child support galing sa kanya.

MOM:  Sa susunod na pagbisita mo sa kanya, pakisabi salamat sa suporta kahit hindi mo siya tatay!  Tingnan mo anong magiging expression ng mukha nya!!

BOY:  Dad, tulungan mo naman ako sa assignment ko.  Find the Least Common Denominator daw.

DAD:  Ano?  Aba'y elementary palang ako, hinahanap na nila yan.  Aba'y hanggang ngayon di pa din nakikita??!

Ano ang sabi ng centipede nung nagkita sila ng kaibigan nya?

"Ui pare!" Apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir, apir!

Bakla na basketball coach:  "Keber sa laban! Just focus!  We cannot afford to luz valdez!  Getlakin nyo yung last freethrow! Windangin nyo mga julaban, okay?  Gow for the gold, mga highest level na churva! Gow lang ng gow!!"

BOY 1:  Nakakaawa naman lola mo!

BOY 2:  Bakit naman?

BOY 1:  Nakasabay ko kasi sa simbahan kanina, ubo ng ubo! Pinagtitinginan tuloy sya ng mga tao.

BOY 2:  Papansin lang yun!

BOY 1:  Bakit naman?

BOY 2:  Bago kasi blouse nya!

Boss, unsure about his new secretary.. "If i gave you 3million pesos less 17%, how much would you take off?"

Secretary:  "Everything, sir!  Dress!  Pati bra at panty, sir!!!"

TEACHER:  Alam nyo ba na ang mga bawat butil ng kanin ay galing sa dugo't pawis ng mga magsasaka??

MGA BATA:  "Eeeeeew!!!!"

BOY:  Is this your first time?

GIRL:  (angry)  OO naman!  You guys talaga, so kulit!  Asking me the same question!  Paulit-ulit!!

Mag-syota sa motel..

BOY:  Alam mo ba ikaw ang first na dinala ko dito?

GIRL:  Whoo, bola! Sabi nila parati ka nandito e!

BOY:  Oo nga, pero ikaw lang talaga ang girl!!

Para sa lahat ng Pinoy

Got this from my grade school friend's email to our batch's yahoogroups

Political Pinoy:

PILIPINO.... .Ikaw ba'to?

Sabi MO, ang gobyerno natin ay palpak.

Sabi MO, ang mga batas natin ay sinauna.

Sabi MO, ang lokal na pamahalaan natin ay hindi maganda ang pagkolekta ng basura at ang paglilinis ng mga lugar.

Sabi MO, hindi gumagana ang mga telepono, katatawanan ang kalagayan ng trapiko, at hindi nakakarating sa paroroonan ang mga sulat.

Sabi MO, parang nasadlak sa basura ang ating buong bansa.

Sabi Mo, sabi MO, sabi MO.

E ano'ng ginagawa mo tungkol dito?

Kumuha ka ng isang taong papunta sa Singapore.

Bigyan mo sya ng pangalan, yung sa IYO.

Bigyan MO sya ng mukha, yung sa IYO.

Lumabas KA sa airport nang pinakamatino mong sarili na maipagmamalaki sa mundo.

Sa Singapore, Hindi KA nagtatapon ng upos ng sigarilyo sa kalye.

Ipinagmamalaki MO ang magaganda nilang underpass.

Nagbabayad KA ng mga 60 pesos para makapagmaneho sa Orchard Road (parang EDSA) mula alas 5 hanggang alas 8 ng gabi.

Bumalik KA sa parking lot para bayaran ang parking tiket mo kung napasobra ka ng oras sa shopping o sa pagkain sa isang restaurant.

Sa Singapore, wala KAng sinasabi, meron ba?

Hindi MO susubukang kumain sa lantad kapag Ramadan sa Dubai.

Hindi MO susubukang lumabas ng bahay na walang takip ang mukha sa Jeddah.

Hindi MO susubukang lagyan ang isang empleyado ng kumpanya ng telepono sa Londonpara mapunta sa ibang tao ang mga long distance na tawag mo.

Hindi MO susubukang lumampas ng 90 kilometers per hour sa Washington, at saka sasabihin sa pulis "Alam mo kung sino ako?"

Bakit di MO subukang dumura o magtapon ng upos ng sigarilyo o balat ng kendi sa mga kalye sa Tokyo?

Bakit hindi MO subukang bumili ng pekeng mga papeles sa Boston tulad ng ginagawa sa Recto?

Pinag-uusapan pa rin natin IKAW.

IKAW na gumagalang at sumusunod sa patakarang banyaga sa ibang bansa pero hindi makasunod sa sarili mong lugar.

IKAW na tapon ng tapon sa kalye pagtuntong mo pa lang sa lupa.

Kung IKAW ay nakikisalamuha at pumupuri ng systema sa bansang banyaga, bakit hindi KA maging ganyan sa

Pilipinas?

Minsan sa isang panayam, ang dating Subic Administrator na si Gordon ay may katwiran ng sinabi nyang "Ang mga aso ng mayayaman ay pinalalakad at pinadudumi ng may-ari sa kalye, tapos sila mismo ang pumupuna sa may katungkulan sa kapalpakan sa paglilinis ng mga kalye.  Ano ang gusto nilang gawin ng mga may katungkulan? Magwalis tuwing makakaramdam ng hindi maganda sa tiyan ang kanilang alaga?"

Sa America, bawat may-ari ng alaga ay dapat maglinis matapos ang pagdumi ng aso. Ganuon din sa Japan.

Gagawin ba ng mga Pilipino yun dito? Tama sya.

Pumupunta tayo sa botohan para pumili ng gobyerno at pagkatapos nuon ay tinatanggal na natin sa sarili ang responsibilidad.

Uupo tayo sa isang tabi at paghihintay ng pagkalinga at umaasa na gagawin ng gobyerno ang lahat habang wala tayong iniaalay.

Umaasa tayo sa pamahalaan na maglinis, ngunit hindi naman tayo titigil sa pagtatapon ng basura sa kung saan-saan, at ni hindi tayo pupulot ng anumang piraso ng papel para itapon sa basurahan.

Pagdating sa mga panlipunang talakayin tulad nang hindi pagiging tapat sa kasal, sa mga dalagang ina, sa pagtatalik ng walang basbas ng kasal, at iba pa, maingay tayong nagpoprotesta ngunit patuloy naman nating ginagawa ang mga ito.

Sa sandaling tayo ay mangulila kapag nasa labas tayo ng bansa, naghahanap tayo ng aliw sa iba, kadalasan sa kapwa rin natin Pilipino, na hindi natin iniisip ang ating katungkulan na ating sinumpaan sa ating pamilya nuong narito pa tayo.

Tapos sinisisi natin ang pamahalaan kapag nakikita natin ang karahasan sa kabataan, pagkagumon sa bawal na gamot, at iba pa, samantalang sinimulan natin ito sa hindi pagpansin sa pangangailangan ng ating mga anak ng tunay na pag-gabay at responsibilidad ng isang magulang.

Ang sabi natin, "Ang buong sistema ang kailangang magbago. Ano ang magagawa kung ako lang ang magpapabago sa aking pamilya?"

E sino ang magbabago ng sistema?

Ano ba ang mga sankap ng sistema? Napakaginhawa sa atin na ang sistema ay binubuo ng ating mga kapitbahay, mga ibang tahanan, ibang syudad, ibang komunidad, at ang pamahalaan. Pero hindi kasama IKAW at AKO. Pagdating sa ating pagkakaroon ng positibong handog sa sistema, ikinakandado natin ang sarili, pati na ang ating pamilya sa loob ng isang ligtas na pugad at tumatanaw na lang tayo sa malayong mga lugar at bansa at naghihintay ng isang Mr. Clean na dumating at maghatid na mga himala.

O lumilikas tayo. Parang mga tamad na duwag na hindi pinatatahimik ng ating mga takot, tumatakbo tayo sa Amerika upang makisalo sa kanilang luwalhati at purihin sa kanilang sistema. Pero pag naging masalimuot sa New York tatakbo tayo sa Japan o Hongkong. Pag nagkahirapan ang paghanap ng trabaho sa Hongkong, sakay agad tayo sa susunod na eroplano patungong Gitnang Silangan. Pag may digmaan sa Gulf, inaasahan nating masagip at mapauwi ng Gobyernong Pilipino.

Lahat ay handang umabuso at gumahasa sa bansa. Walang nag-iisip na handugan ang sistema. Ang konsyensya natin ay nakasanla sa pera. Mga mahal kong kababayan, ang sulating ito ay matinding nakakakislot ng isipan, nangangailangan ng maraming pagmumuni-muni, at tumutusok din sa konsyensya. Medyo inuulit ko lang ayon sa ating salita ang mga salita ni John F. Kennedy sa kanyang kabansa upang maitugma sa ating mga Pilipino:

"Itanong natin kung ano ang magagawa natin sa ating bansang Pilipinas at gawin ang nararapat upang ang Pilipinas ay maging tulad ng Amerika at ibang kanlurang bansa ngayon."

Gawin natin kung ano ang kailangan ng Pilipinas sa atin.

Ipasa sa lahat ng Pinoy.